A retired corporate executive decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life... Until the boat sank! He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day, when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branch and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable, ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware." The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few hours of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf.
As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls out off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.
As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home sit down, please. "Would you like a drink?"
"No. No, thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.
After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines and flowers strategically positioned, and smelling of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her! "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a really long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months?"
She stares into his eyes and takes his hand in hers...
He can't believe what he's hearing. He swallows excitedly, tears start to form in his eyes, and says, "You mean! I can play bridge on the Internet from here?
A cleaning woman was applying for a new position. When asked why she left
her last employment, she replied, "Yes, sir, they paid good wages, but it
was the most ridiculously undignified place I ever worked. They played a
game called Bridge.
Last night a lot of folks were there. As I was about to bring in the
refreshments, I heard a man say, "Lay down and let's see what you've got."
Another man said, "I've got strength, but no length."
Another man says to the lady, "Take your hand off my trick!"
I pretty near dropped dead just then, when the lady answered, "You jumped me
twice when you didn't have the strength for one raise."
Another lady was talking about protecting her honor and two other ladies
were talking and one said, "Now it's time for me to play with your husband
and you can play with mine."
Well I just got my hat and coat and as I was leaving, I hope to die if one
of them didn't say, "Well, I guess we'll go home now. This is the last
rubber."
I'm not sure whether glory or master points is first on the list, but I know learning to play better is definitely last. - Eddie Kantar
We believe that contract bridge is particularly attractive to people with a scrappy disposition. - Frank Perkins
It is not the skill that drops off with age, it's the drive, the killer instinct...and when a man isn't rprimed to kill he makes mistakes.
Most bridge players prefer consistency in their partners rather than brilliance. - Matthew Granovetter
It is not enough to win the tricks that belong to you. Try also for some that belong to the opponents. - Alfred Sheinwold
The real test of a bridge player isn't in keeping out of trouble, but in escaping once he's in. - Alfred Sheinwold
The trouble with women is that they treat bridge as a game. They do not realize it is a war.
If you have the slightest touch of masochism, you'll love this game.
Bridge is a great comfort in old age. It also helps you get there faster. One gets used to abuse. It's the waiting that is so trying.
-Rueful Rabbit.
Since the average person's small supply of politeness must last a lifetime, he can't afford to waste much of it on bridge partners.
-Alfred Sheinwold
Bridge is essentially a social game, but unfortunately it attracts a large number of antisocial people.
One advantage of bad bidding is that you get practice at playing atrocious contracts.
-Alfred Sheinwold
"Where's the hand you held during the auction?"
-Jan Nanitschke when he saw the dummy.
South: Alert! East: Yes? I'm requested to further misdescribe my hand.
It's not the handling of difficult hands that makes the winning player. There aren't enough of them. It's the ability to avoid messing up the easy ones.
-Alan Sontag
The sum of all technical knowledge cannot make a master bridge player.
-Ely Culbertson.
The difference between genius and stupidity at the bridge table is that genius has its limits.
I'm not sure whether glory or masterpoints is first on the list of beginning tournament players, but I know learning to play better is definitely last.
-Moi.
I'd like a review of the bidding with all of the original inflections.
The average defender operates in a fog of uncertainty.
-H. W. Kelsey ]
Regardless of what sadistic impulses we may harbor, winning bridge means helping partner avoid mistakes.
-Frank Stewart
A player who can't defend accurately should try to become declarer (or dummy).
-Alfred Sheinwold
The real secret of the expert is to make logic seem like flair.
-H. W. Kelsey ]
If you play bridge with your wife as a partner you need at least 20 points to open the bidding and it wouldn't hurt to have 25.
-Joe James
Learn from the mistake of others. You won't live long enough to make them all yourself.
-Alfred Sheinwold.
I favor light opening bids. When you're my age, you're never sure that the bidding will get back around to you in time.
-Oswald Jacoby at 77.
Years ago there were only two acceptable reasons for not leading partner's suit: (1) having no cards in the suit; (2) sudden death.
-Alfred Sheinwold
I think we're all a little masochistic. Otherwise, why would we continue to play bridge?
We had a partnership misunderstanding. My partner assumed I knew what I was doing.
My partner is 20 years behind the times. Nowadays you pay your money to bid. My partner still thinks you need high cards.
Your play was much better tonight and so were your excuses.
We play forcing hesitations.
A fellow had made a bad bid and had gone down 1400. "I'm sorry," he said to his partner, "I had a card misplaced". "Only one?" asked his partner innoncently.
-Charles Goren
If I did everything right, I wouldn't be playing with you.
When I take a 50-50 chance, I expect it to come off 8 or 9 times out of 10.
-The Hideous Hog.
The guy who led the 8 from a 98 doubleton because his teacher told him "eight ever, nine never."
What do you call an eight card suit? Answer: Trump
A lady is playing in her first duplicate hears an opponent say: "Alert". The lady says: "I am alert".
Know the difference between a serial killer and a bridge partner? Answer: You can reason with the serial killer.
'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS, TWO GUESTS IN OUR HOUSE, HAD STARTED TO PLAY BRIDGE, WITH ME AND MY SPOUSE.
PLEASE TELL ME SHE SHOUTED, WHY DIDN'T YOU DOUBLE? 'TWAS PLAIN FROM THE START , THAT WE HAD THEM IN TROUBLE.
'TIS FUTILE MY DEAR, SAID I, TAKING NO STAND, TO DISCUSS IT WITH YOU, LET'S PLAY THE NEXT HAND.
REMEMBER NEXT TIME, SHE SAID WITH A FROWN, TO DOUBLE A CONTRACT, THAT'S SURE TO GO DOWN.
SO I PICKED UP MY CARDS, IN A DOWNTRODDEN STATE, THEN I OPENED ONE SPADE, AND AWAITED MY FATE.
The hostess of her bridge club got a last minute call from one of the players that she was sick. Unable to get a replacement on such short notice, she drafted her husband, a mediocre player with an attitude.
During the game, he got up and went to the bathroom, leaving the door slightly ajar. Everyone listened as he urinated into the toilet.
Embarrassed, his wife called out, "John, would you please close the door!"
John's partner said, "Never mind, it's the first time since we started playing that I've known what the man has in his hand!"
************************************************************************************
An engineer shouts in his cell phone: There is no goddamn bridge here! Only a bunch of crazy people gathering around card tables...
Said a boy to his mother: "Dad keeps talking about ducks, when is he going to bring one home for dinner?"
"Finesse" – a refined gesture or articulation incorporating a delicacy of manipulation. If one doesn’t understand that, under no attempt to have it explained by bridge players.
"Lucky we don’t have bridge players for neighbours, otherwise our street will become a dump site in no time. All they ever talk about is discard this, ditch that..."
Said an irate tenant to the custodian: "I thought this place allows no dogs, how come every time I am ready for bed, I keeping hearing ‘ruff, ruff’ from next door?"
I hear they have a new dance down at the club…the Palooka.
From a weapon dealer who happens to be a bridge nut: "I’ll ship you over some kibitzers right away…sorry I mean howitzers."
Written on a signpost: Welcome to Yarborough Country.
"Don’t get me wrong, honey. I know you are great at endplays but what I really want is foreplay?"
I love this Two-over-one business, it is infinitely so much more fun than one-on-one.
"What grounds do you cite for divorce?" asked the judge.
"Infidelity, your honour! I overheard my husband gloated to his chum on the phone the other night on how he managed to strip-squeeze some minx called Vera and she quickly surrendered to him."
And finally, imagine trying to explain the following to people who don’t play bridge:
‘If you smell a misfit, stay low…’
‘I was dummy all night.’
‘It was a tough hand at single-dummy, but a cinch at double-dummy’
‘My distribution was 0-6-1-6 and dummy came down with 4-3-3-3, left hand had 5-4-2-2’
On their wedding night a couple arrive at their hotel room and the phone rings. The husband answers and talks with his friend about a bridge hand. The conversation continues for hours as the friend tells how he went down in six spades.
When it finally ends, the distraught wife is in tears and says, "How can he be so inconsiderate? That was terrible!"
"You’re right, honey. All he had to do was take a finesse."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A bridge duffer was polishing a lamp and… poof! Out popped a genie who said, "I will grant you one wish."
The duffer unfolded a map of the world and said, "Let all of these countries live in peace and harmony."
"You’ve got to be kidding! I’m only a genie."
The duffer thought for a while and then suggested, "OK, then make me a winning bridge player."
"Hmm… " the genie pondered. "Let me see that map again."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
During World War II a U.S. Air Force plane was forced to ditch in the ocean, and four survivors managed to reach a small deserted island.
"Let’s send up a signal flare," said the first aviator.
"Won’t work!" said the second. "Let’s build a fire so they’ll see the smoke."
"No!" said the third. "We’ll need all the wood to build a shelter."
"Whoa!" said the last, an avid bridge player. "Let’s just shoot down another plane so we can have a team game."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bill: My cardiologist says I can’t play bridge.
Tom: Why not? Do you have a heart problem?
Bill: Nope. He’s just played with me enough to know I’m hopeless.
****************************************************************
Did You Hear…
About the man who wanted to learn bridge in one day? He ordered 35 copies of Five Weeks To Winning Bridge. *
About the lady who always went down one in 3 NT? When asked about this she said she was just following her teacher’s advice: "Eight ever, Nine never." *
About the Elvis Presley coup? It’s when your left-hand opponent leads from his A-Q around to your K-x: the King is no longer dead!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quotable Quotes
Why is it that experts avoid the use of Blackwood, and novices use Blackwood with a void?
My partner is a well-balanced player. He makes up for his inadequacy in the bidding with his ineptitude in the play.
Joe knows absolutely nothing about the game; his wife plays twice as well.
Too bad, pard, that was an unlucky grand slam - the ace of trumps was offside.
There are three kinds of bridge players: (1) Those who can count, and (2) those who can’t.
Bridge is a game of inches; too bad I always have my foot in my mouth.
I never met a man I didn’t like, ‘cept the @#$! who doubled my slam.
I woulda led my singleton, partner, but I couldn’t find it - it was so small. *
Never accept a free finesse. If you can’t afford to pay, just charge it.
We had a 75-percent game last night! Three out of four opponents thought we were idiots.
Be an expert! Never take a finesse to make your contract when you can go down on a squeeze play.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A knowledge of the mechanics will suffice to put a player in a commanding position in the post-mortem. To become a member of the upper crust calls for more, much more -- Resilience, imagination, occasional flashes of inspiration: these are the hallmarks of quality. And this trandscends the realm of science. - Victor Mollo
____________________________________________________________________
Card sense is when it's technically right to do something, the little man that sits on my shoulder or anyone's else's shoulder says, " Don't do that." And you say to yourself "Well, wait a minute, that's the right way to play." And he says, "Yeah, but you don't want to play that way." That instinct is card sense. It's almost an ability to feel where the cards are. It's something that you can't buy. can't find; you're born with it. The ability to do the right thing at the right time or really to do the wrong thing at the right time. - Barry Crane
___________________________________________________________________
Andy Rooney Report
Why can’t the ACBL leave the names of things alone? Just when we got used to the Grand National Pairs, the gods in Memphis made it the North American Open Pairs. And why did the McKenney race have to become the Top-500 race? I can’t argue with the later change to the Barry Crane Top-500 to honor the best matchpoint player of all time. But why not the Barry Crane McKenney? Or is that too many names?
I am proud to have won the Reisinger Teams, formerly called the Chicago. My son won his category once in the Mini-McKenney; but then it was the Little McKenney. Sheesh! Is there that much difference between Little and Mini that a change was even necessary?
And what ever happened to the Men’s Pairs? Now it’s always the Open Pairs. I’m sure this is some kind of sexist thing, but I wish someone would tell me if I am being slighted or not.
Oh well, at least I can look forward to the next Nationals, er, I mean, North American Championships.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sue: Do you play M-U-D?
Sally: No, never heard of it.
Sue: Then what do you lead from three-small?
Sally: Fourth best, I guess.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Last Christmas I was overjoyed when Mabel bought me something I always wanted but could never afford: my own robot! I named it "Robbie" and spent hours studying the manuals and learning to use it. Everything worked great, but there was one thing that puzzled me. The instructions said nothing about the three buttons on Robbie’s chest.
The first button said "Genius." I pressed it and was totally dumfounded as Robbie spoke, "In the General Theory of Relativity, what is the relationship between inertial and gravitational mass?"
Say what? You’ve got to be kidding! I could see Mabel must have spent some big bucks on this thing. I quickly moved along to the second button which said "Normal" and pressed it. Robbie paused for a few moments and then asked, "In Euclidean Geometry what are the five platonic solids?"
Darn! I learned that in high school, but I just couldn’t remember them all. Oh, well; I was almost normal. I noticed the third button was labeled "Useless" and out of curiosity I pressed it. Wow! My eyes lit up fast as Robbie began, "You hold ace fifth, king-jack fourth…"
****************************************************
A bumbling bridge player explained to his friend how he planned to improve his game: "Every night when I go to bed I think about the mistakes I made that day at the bridge table."
"Gee," his friend said, "how do you get any sleep?"
****************************************************
Bridge Movies?
Bridge On the River Kwai - one of the first Goren cruises… a real blowout!
Double Indemnity - removing all the redouble cards from your opponents’ bidding boxes.
20,000 Leagues Under the Sea - the source of the ACBL’s new motto, "Let’s not be number 20,001."
West Side Story - what the appeals committee would not buy as they ruled for North-South.
****************************************************
Bridge Songs?
Bridge Over Troubled Water - Travel-with-Goren cruise that stops in Havana, Tripoli and Basra.
It’s Not Unusual - partner’s scream after you misinterpret his 2 NT bid.
Monday, Monday - what you wish for after single-handedly blowing the Swiss Teams on Sunday.
The Second Time Around - the usual occasion when your aces get trumped.
Somethin’ Stupid - whichever line of play you decide to take.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daffynitions
Doubleton - 4,000 pounds.
Dummy - (see below).
Partner - (see above).
Free Bid - all of them, once you pay your entry fee.
Gerber Convention - annual meeting of baby-food manufacturers.
Jack Denies - headlines about Marilyn Monroe’s relationship with J.F.K.
Key-Card Blackwood - an ingenious convention that allows you to get to a grand slam off the ace of trumps.
Law of Total Tricks - recent Las Vegas ordinance to reduce prostitution.
Quick Tricks - last-minute scurry by hookers to beat the ordinance.
Negative Double - the one that gets wrapped around your neck.
Reverse Bid - an opening like "Club One."
Roman Discards - Caesar’s trash.
Short Club - a private organization for midgets.
Splinter Bid - the only known way to become declarer with a singleton trump in each hand.
Texas Transfer - relocation to a branch office in Dallas.
Trump Coup - triumph of Ivana’s attorneys in securing a huge alimony.
Trump Echo - a brand new casino in Atlantic City.
Vienna Coup - the mating sound of Austrian doves.
Wolff Sign-off - the ending of Little Red Riding Hood.
‘Til the End of Time - normal duration before admitting your bridge mistakes.
